I will preface this with a statement and a question. Grass is a monster and, if unkept, it will grow and grow until you cannot see that which the lawn surrounds. So what must you do to keep this from happening and to prevent an outbreak of hives while walking through the jungle to your door? That's right, you have to mow the lawn, regularly.

Now lets get metaphorical, what is another example of a monster that will grow and grow if not kept in check? Think current events...exactly, terrorism! Now since we are still being metaphorical, we must regularly "mow the lawn" to keep our country safe. We must keep an eye on the "lawn" and determine when the grass is getting too long (read: terrorism advancing). When that happens, we must do some yard work. The heavy yard work. The kind that uses the A-10 and AC-130 to help spread that smell of fresh cut grass. 

Now that you're in the loop, throw the local hippies for a loop with the official "Mowing the Lawn" line of gear from Thirty Seconds Out. You'll have people looking at you so sideways that you'll wonder if their necks are ok. But the real gold is when you explain it to that soccer mom in Starbucks with her 3 kids. That's sure to be a fun minivan ride home explaining to them the real world they live in. So show the world that you support great landscaping and freedom and pick up a hat along with a patch and sticker!